Is your spouse/mate or anybody close to you a strong (angry) “get it done” director?  Are you mindful of the motivations behind their reactions?  Does it create discord when you misunderstand his or her true intentions?  If so, maybe this pearl can help you to better understand why strong directors react the way they do so that you can live a less stressful coexistence with them.

 

Part-2 of this mindfulness pearl series will use the “Genetic Human Personality Tool” to focus on how we might misinterpret the motivations of strong directors.  You might find the attached PDF “Determining Your Genetic Personality Pattern” helpful.  If anger is your major emotion than you are a strong director.

 

Something to keep in mind:  When I use the term "strong" I am referring to someone who is strongest in an emotion/rational style, because they inappropriately used it too much of the time.  We all have strong moderate and weak emotions/rational styles, but even if we are very strong in one style it doesn’t mean that we react that way all of the time; just too much of the time.  Unfortunately, when distressed we do overuse our strongest emotion/style and its way of thinking, which this pearl series can help you to better understand.

 

Most of us think that we understand why our spouse, family member, co-workers, etc., react the way they do, especially if we have coexisted with them for many years/decades.  And most of the time we do understand their motivations, but some of the time we get in a rut and misinterpret them, creating disconnection and strife.  It is the purpose of this pearl series to use the powerful “Genetic Human Personality Tool” to explain how you might misinterpret the motivations of your significant connections and by doing so, improve your relationship.

 

How we THINK when using our Director Style:

A driving example may help to understand the difference between confrontation anger and hindrance anger.  Hindrance anger is when you can’t get around someone who is driving too slowly, while confrontation anger is when someone cuts you off and then flips you off.

 

EMOTIONALLY Reinforced Director Reactions:

 

Whether you are strong, moderate or weak in anger/director style, you will think and react the same as anybody who expresses anger and reacts with director style thinking.  You have no choice since it is wired into your right amygdala and into your right frontal cortex.  When you sense a possible confrontation or when you feel inhibited your sensory memories trigger anger, causing the amygdala to wipe your prefrontal cortex (PFC) clear so that your director memories (also triggered by those sensory memories) can decipher the source of that anger and deal with it.  Unfortunately, rationalization of why you have the right to be angry prolongs that anger and pugnacious behavior.

 

CONFRONTATION: Physical confrontation is when someone assaults us or putts us in danger.  Mental confrontation is when someone criticizes or disparages us.  The level of our anger can be mild (when the confronting source is dubious) or very strong (when the confronting source has merit).  Much of the time the perceived confrontation is deemed a challenge that must be met with physical proficiency, compared experiences or unvoiced rationalization.  The confrontation can be real or just in the mind of the strong director—it doesn’t matter to the amygdala, which considers it an attack. 

 

INHIBITION: Most of the time when reacting with our director style it is because we feel inhibited—this is probably why the “don’t tell me what to do” reaction is so prevalent in strong directors.  Strong directors interpret most everything as anger provoking inhibition of what they are trying to do.  Walking slowly in front of them is inhibiting.  Waiting in line is inhibiting.  Waiting a half-second for someone at a stop sign or stop light to move is inhibiting.  The weather can be inhibiting.  Lets face it, everything is inhibiting if it stops or slows down a strong director from completing a task before he/she forgets to complete it.  Aha, that’s the stuff of inhibition; that the strong director might forget what to do if stalled in that effort—this is expanded on below.  If you are a strong director being inhibited, relax; you are not that important and if you’re late it’s your own fault for not allowing enough time.

 

ANNOYANCE/FRUSTRATION: To a lesser degree, mild anger can be triggered by simple annoyance or frustration.  Strong directors react with mild anger much more than they realize, which makes them negative and condescending.  To deal with it, it helps if you ask the annoyed/frustrated director what’s bothering them—and of course they will answer “nothing”.  You might then say: “why are you being so negative”, which hopefully starts a conversation.  If not and your strong director becomes irate, refer to the pearl “Dealing with Extreme Emotions, Part-II, Anger and Rage” for a proven way to deal with a director in the grip of their anger.

 

NEGATIVE EMOLTIONAL ENMERGY: Strong directors emit strong negative emotional energy (from the pineal gland) when instantly angered.  This is very off-putting for anybody in the vicinity of that angry director.  If you feel that negative energy, try to ignore it or walk away until it subsides.  Terrified strong analyzers also give off this strong negative energy, but it is rare (refer to the pearl "Mindfulness, Part-4, Understanding strong analyzers" for a complete understanding of "negative vibes".

 

GENETICALLY Reinforced, Rational Director Reactions:

 

TASK-PREOCCUPIED: Directors see everything as a task, a challenge, something to complete or resolve—they are obsessed with getting past anything that hinders that task—but why?  In general, strong directors need to “instantly resolve” everything because they are easily distracted.  If they don’t resolve something immediately they will probably forget about it.  Strong directors are “location motivated”.  For example; when they have to go into a room to complete a task and see another task that needs to be done, they are instantly motivated to get that other task done—usually forgetting about the task that they went into that room to resolve.  This is why they need to get everything done immediately, before they are distracted from it.  This goes on throughout the day from when they arise until they retire at night.  Directors are like the shiny metal ball in a pinball game, which is redirected by the bumpers (other tasks) until it settles back in the plunger position for another go-around.  When strong directors are interacting with others they also consider it a task, but involving people.

 

HELPFUL MEMORY HINT: When going into another room/etc., to do/get something, state out loud why you are going there as you are going there.  This creates a short-term audible sensory memory to help you remember why you went into that room/etc.

 

MIS-CARING: When someone voices a concern, a strong director interprets it as a call for help and a need to resolve that concern, instead of just discussing it.  This might give you the impression that they don’t care about your concerns and you are right; they are only interested in resolving your concerns.  Directors don’t intentionally ignore your concerns; they just want to help in the only way they can by making it a task and resolving it.  Next time, when you want to share your concerns with a strong director; don’t just blurt it out.  Instead, tell them that you want to discuss something important to you and that you don’t want to discuss any resolutions until after you are finish discussing those concerns.  This will give the director pause to listen and not react.

Important: doing a task to help someone is the way a strong director shows that they care, so keep that in mind when they offer help, even when you may not appreciate it.

 

DECISIVENESS: Strong directors make so many immediate decisions that it becomes a reflex—not so when they make long-sought decisions.  Not being able to make an important decision frustrates strong directors, but when they finally do they get a “click” in their brain that locks in that decision forever unless something more important changes their mind.  Strong directors are always ready with a decision, whether it is desired or not.  This can get in the way of relationships, especially with indecisive relators and analyzers.  Thus, when a strong director tries to bully you into accepting his/her decision, you should tell them, NO!  Just ignoring them doesn’t help, they will keep at you and they need to know their limits—so just give them your opinion without interruption or if that discussion is going nowhere depart and talk about later.

 

INDIFFERENCE: Directors ignore people and their opinions when dwelling on results, making others think that the director doesn’t like them or is angry with them—don’t think that way!  They are just intensely involved with resolving a task—and for them the task is more important then the people involved in it.  While involved in a task with others, especially when distressed, directors are motivated to ignore the needs, opinions and decisions of others, seemingly demeaning them.  This makes others think that the strong director is a jerk (or other less flattering labels). 

For your own self worth, other than voicing that satisfying jerk label, it is important to realize that strong directors just need to get their task done, especially if they are distressed.  So instead of you getting upset and thinking you are the problem, wait until they have had their say and suggest your point of view in a non-confrontational, non-inhibiting manner if possible.  And if that is not possible say nothing and let them fail—later on, an “I told you so” would be superfluous.  Important: doing a task to help someone is the way a strong director shows that they care, so keep that in mind when they offer help, even when you may not appreciate that help.

 

SOMEWHERE IN TIME: We all, no matter what our strongest style, dwell on the past, present or future, and each style does this differently.  Strong directors dwell mostly on getting things done in the present.  But being an interactive right-brain thinker they also dwell on the near future, mostly about tasks that they need to resolve soon.  Strong directors are not interested in the past, especially if it was confronting/inhibiting or a reminder of their failures—of course; they love to hear about past accomplishments.  Do share whatever positive memories you have of the past with your strong director, but if it triggers a negative reaction, change the conversation to something else or drop it.

 

PACE & THINKING MODE: Every rational style has its own “pace” and type of memories.  Strong right-brain directors are fast pace and their memories consist of pictures or interactive videos.  Fast-paced directors do everything quickly, making quick decisions, which is why they make mistakes by ignoring important details.  When doing recurrent tasks, strong directors are very fast and don’t make mistakes because they already know all of the details.  Being fast-paced, they assume that everything will take much less time than it actually does.  For example, they usually leave too late to be somewhere, making them rush to get there on time and get there late.  And when you insist that you should leave earlier than they planned, they argue with you, mainly because leaving too early might require them to wait around for others when they get there (which is inhibiting).  To avoid those arguments give that strong director a realistic timeline, including important details about how long it will really take, which they will usually agree to once they consider your details.

 

 

NURTURE Reinforced, Rational Director Reactions

 

Other than the director style’s genetic attributes, there are nurturing factors that might cause you to misinterpret their motivations.

 

GUILT: Guilt is “taking responsibility for the commission of an offense”.  Our relator style interprets that guilt as a disconnection; from the sorrow it causes and makes us want to reconnect.  But stressed out self-serving (because of their motivations and rationalizations) strong directors can’t take responsibility or feel guilt or sorrow; quite the opposite.  Later on, when they realize that they were wrong, they become paranoid (“A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or grandeur, often strenuously defended with rationalization.").  This paranoia is the director's defense from feeling guilty and it is just as mentally painful as guilt and sorrow.  In their paranoia directors accuse others of what they did wrong, triggering dislike/loathing of that accusing director.  If you become upset by a director's accusations, ignore their childish accusations, say nothing and walk away.  Hopefully, they will calm down, feel sorrow for the disconnection from you and want to make up—allow it to happen—but if it doesn’t happen forget it, it’s not worth it. 

 

SELF-IMAGE: Strong directors don’t appear to have poor self-images because of their motivations and rationalizations.  But anybody nurtured by negative, demeaning, unloving parents will develop a poor self image and doubt themselves.  Distressed, poor-self-image directors can’t accept their failures and rationalize that it’s your fault, something that you should not accept nor even ponder.  The next time they blame you for their mistakes/misdeeds just say, “stop projecting; blame yourself, not me” and literally walk away to let them calm down.  On the other hand, strong directors (with or without a poor self-image) are proud of and boast about their accomplishments, which may irk others who are sick of hearing about them—bottom line, just let them boast and act as if you hear them and praise their praiseworthy accomplishments.  Conversely, when a strong director has only negative accomplishments they should never be praised and probably be avoided.  Unfortunately, when a strong director’s is financially well off their pride turns into arrogance.  In the extreme, strong arrogant directors with absolute power (Hitler, Putin and all would-be despots) consider everything a confrontation or hindrance to their power and try to crush it.

 

"YOU'RE SO VAIN": Like the song suggests, everybody is vain and thinks that they are the center of the universe—it‘s a survival instinct.  Strong directors seem vain because they consider everybody else’s need, opinions and decisions to be inferior to theirs.  They also seem vain when extolling their accomplishments.  But that’s natural; so don’t let it bother you unless the accomplishment is false, in which case you can just tell them, “thank you for sharing”, which essentially means “F*** off”.

 

COMEUPPANCE: Distressed strong directors can’t deal with their failures and when made accountable they whine like babies.  They may even portray themselves as the victim and prey on the sympathy of others for consolation and support.  If you are in such a situation with one, be strong and don’t consol them because it will only encourage their obnoxious behavior.  Use tough love and tell them; “it’s your fault, live with it” and walk away—and try not to smirk too much. 

 

ANNOYINGLY PERSISTANT: Strong directors can be very annoying when telling you something and assume that you aren’t listening—so they repeat it over and over again.  Don’t get annoyed; they are just obsessed with the task of getting their important point across, even if you don’t think it’s important.  Therefore, unless you want to hear it in perpetuity, just make a comment to acknowledge it and it will be dropped.  Strong directors also tend to annoy us by using the same phrases over and over again.  One of many examples of their annoying persistence is when you give them directions and they say, “I know exactly where I’m going” and then get lost, which irks you.  Unfortunately, sometimes when you think that they are about to say that annoying phrase it instantly angers you, making you cut them off with a negative comment that starts an argument.  But maybe, if you listened to their entire sentence they might say something different, for example, “I know exactly where I am going until we get to…” which would have avoided the argument and the strengthening of your angry memory about that phrase.  By making them aware of their annoying persistence it usually reduces it.

 

VOICED NEGATIVITY: Strong directors make negative comments on just about everything, rationalizing that it is clever or funny, but in reality it is condescending and nobody wants to hear it.  To better understand myself I started counting my negative thoughts, which totaled over 30 per day.  In the past, when I instantly thought of something negative I would voice it—now when I have those negative thoughts I tell myself to “shut up” and I don’t voice it.  Happily, my negative thoughts are diminishing, because I automatically shut them down, instead of voicing and strengthening them.  I also replace my negative thoughts about the situation with positive joyful thoughts and it has definitely made my life and the lives of those around me more positive and joyful.
Important note for Strong Directors: To help in this positive endeavor, try to use the most important phrase anyone can use: "thank you".  It makes you automatically appreciate the other person who just did something for you.  And the more you use that phrase the more positive and the less negative you become.
 

BELITTLING NEGATIVE MEMORIES: Strong directors have many more anger-related negative memories than joy-related positive memories.  They make sarcastic or sardonic remarks about everything, thinking that it is humorous or clever, but in reality it is belittling.  That’s why they seem so critical and the worse part is that they don’t even realize it.  So, when they are critical of you, ask them, "Why you are being so negative?"—if nothing else it may lessen those negative comments.

The converse of this also applies to strong directors.  Strong directors are plagued by negative memories of others belittling them.  When a strong director is belittled in public he/she will go to extremes for the rest of their lives to get revenge on the person belittling them.  It is not unusual for that belittled director to give that person a degrading nickname.  It is also not unusual for that strong director to try and destroy that person’s reputation publicly, or at least in his/her own mind.  In any case, it is best for you to have nothing to do that kind of person unless you can help them to weaken those belittling negative memories and replace them with positive memories.

 

OPPOSITES ATTRACT: We are attracted to people opposite to us because we admire them for the things that we lack.  This is why strong directors and strong relators are attracted to each other—it is also why strong analyzers and strong socializers attract.  As you can see, the director’s genetic attributes above are totally opposite to a the Relator Style’s Genetic Attributes:

 

People-Oriented: People are more important than tasks

Symbiotic emotion: Sorrow (whose survival purpose is: to alert us to a possible disconnection)

Style’s purpose: to stay connected or to reconnect

Motivations: 1) Only others opinions matter.  2) Only other's concerns matter.  3) Only other's decisions matter.

 

But that opposite attraction comes at a cost with the natural irritation of being with someone who doesn’t represent your way of thinking, especially when one or both of you are distressed.  To deal with this spend little time together when distressed try to be mindful of each other’s true motivations.  You are together because it brings you joyful love, so appreciate and rely on your differences, which makes you an effective team.  Basically, don’t sweat the small stuff—and almost everything is the small stuff.  And don’t forget; if you are a weak angry director you will react just like a strong director when angered and using your director style.

 

This “opposites” natural irritation also applies to strong directors and strong analyzer mates.  Even though directors and analyzers are both task-oriented, they conflict in their style’s purposes.  Directors need to make quick decisions and get things done while analyzers need to cautiously consider all of the details before making a decision.  The analyzer’s details are important, but they inhibit a stressed out director who doesn’t consider that analyzer’s opinions or needs important.  To deal with this, the strong analyzer must ignore his/her fears and voice their opinions and concerns.  To do this, make the strong director aware of the details in a non-confronting manner, which they will consider once you voice them.  Directors need to know their acceptable/tolerable limits.  And once known, they usually don’t exceed those limits unless they are distressed.  Be firm, but not confronting and don’t back off for fear of retaliation.  If after that the strong director can’t calm down, just give them a “dirty look” and walk away.

I hope that this pearl helped you to better understand the motivations of strong directors and that it reduces the stress in your relationship with them.  I also hope that if you are a strong director that you better appreciate what others think is and is not acceptable and how to react more appropriately.  The next pearl in this series will deal with “Understanding Strong Relators”.