Is your spouse/mate or anybody close to you a strong (joyful) “scatterbrained” socializer? Are you mindful of the true motivations behind what he or she says and does? Does it create discord when you misunderstand his or her true intentions? If so, maybe this pearl can help you to better understand their motivations so that you can live a less stressful coexistence.
Part-5 of this mindfulness pearl series will use the “Genetic Human Personality TOOL” to focus on how we misinterpret the motivations of strong socializers. The purpose of this pearl is to help you understand them, not make excuses for why they act the way they do. If joy is your major emotion, than you are a strong socializer.
Something to keep in mind: When I use the term strong I am referring to someone who is strongest in an emotion/rational style, because they can inappropriately use them much of the time. We all have strong moderate and weak emotions/rational styles, but even though we are very strong in one style it doesn’t mean that we react that way all of the time, just too much of the time. Unfortunately, when distressed we do overuse our strongest emotion/style and its way of thinking, which this pearl series can help you to better understand.
How we THINK when using our Socializer Style:
Strong socializers are misunderstood much of the time because they can seem manic, scatterbrained and disorganized. The attitudes that best describe them are: boisterous, capricious, carefree, careless, charming, creative, enthusiastic, exaggerative, exciting, expressive, generous, impulsive, inspiring, inquisitive, persuasive, playful, positive and talkative. The Socializer Style’s Genetic Attributes are:
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People-Oriented: People are more important than tasks
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Symbiotic emotion: Joy (whose survival purpose is: to alert us to a possible connection)
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Style’s purpose: to avoid negative connections and embrace positive connections
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Motivations: 1) To pursue pleasure and gain 2) To be unconstrained 3) To trust new situations
Emotionally Heightened Socializer Reactions
Whether you are strong, moderate or weak in joy and the socializer style, you will think and react the same as anybody that perceives joy and reacts with their socializer style. You have no choice since it is wired into your right amygdala and into your right frontal cortex. You might also refer to the pearl “Dealing with Extreme Emotions, Part-IV, Joy and Mania” for a proven way to deal with a socializer who is being controlled by their joy emotion.
When we sense something that triggers our joy (a possible connection), the amygdala wipes the prefrontal cortex (PFC) clean so that socializer memories also triggered by those sensory memories can deal with the situation and quell the joy. Strong socializers see situations from a people-oriented perspective and they rationally decide whether somebody is a negative connection to be avoided, a positive connection to be interacted with or no connection at all.
Rationally Heightened Socializer Reactions
POOR LISTENERS: One problem with strong socializers is that they only partially listen. They hear the first part of what you are saying and then run off to do whatever, missing the important details and end up not doing what you wanted. This is because they really don’t care about the (left-brain) details, they erroneously think that they know what you want from what little information they received—it’s a game to them. Socializers are not task-oriented and need to switch to their director or analyzer styles to get a task completed correctly—otherwise their tasks only get partially done if at all. But don’t be angry with them for acting that way, excited about running off and doing the task to make you happy—instead, stop them when they are about to leave and do the following. Tell them to write down what you want accomplished including all of the details—refresh their memory if needed. Then, before they leave, ask them to tell you what they are suppose to do, including the details.
Similarly, strong socializers like to think that they know what you are going to say and complete your sentences, which is very annoying, especially when they get it wrong. Again, don’t be angry with them for being who they are—just tell them not to complete your sentences and instead, listen.
NOT FRUGAL: Strong socializers are not frugal by nature and are motivated to spend money if it brings them joy. When they want to purchase something that makes them happy and you think about the cost it can make you feel that they don’t care about your opinion: but they do. Simply make them aware that maybe something less expensive will do or that maybe it really won’t make them that happy. Once you discuss this with your socializer mate you can move on to something else that makes both of you happy.
SOMEWHERE IN TIME: We all, no matter what our strongest style, dwell on the past, present and future, but each style is different. Strong socializers dwell on anything in the past/present/future that keeps the listener’s attention. But being an interactive right-brain thinker they also dwell on the future, mostly about what “can be” more than what “is”, which is why they are very creative.
FAST-PACED: Every rational style has its own “pace” and way of thinking. Strong right-brain socializers have a fast pace and remember things as interactive videos, just like strong directors. But fast-paced socializers, unlike directors, don’t see a task with others as something to quickly get done; they see it as an opportunity to interact with others. Strong socializers are disorganized because of their joy emotion, which wipes their PFC clean to dwell on possible positive or negative connections. This distracts them form any organized approach to work on a task—and the more people involved in the task the greater the distraction. This exasperates strong get-it-done directors and get-it-done-right analyzers who view the task as more important than the people involved. But don’t let that strong socializer upset you—just enjoy their performance, then nicely remind them that they are there to get a task accomplished.
VERY TALKATIVE: Strong socializers are excessively talkative, excluding you from getting in a word edgewise. You may think that they don’t really care about your input, which they usually do, if for no other reason but to continue the interaction. Their quick interactive right-brain thinking makes them seamlessly branch from one entertaining topic to another: never ending. But if you do want to get a word in edgewise, wait until their enthusiasm for a topic wanes (meaning that they are about to jump to another topic) and interject your statement.
Nurtured, Rational Socializer Reactions
Other than the strong socializer style’s genetic attributes, there are nurturing factors that might cause you to misunderstand their motivations.
GUILT: In general, guilt is not very prevalent in right-brain socializers. But if your socializer mate is guilt-ridden because of her/his religious or belittling upbringing he/she might blame themselves for negative situations. The best way for you to deal with their guilt is to help them realizes that everything is all right and that there is no problem and no one is to blame. It also helps if you immediately take responsibility in a negative situation for anything untoward or misunderstood by you.
SELF IMAGE: Strong joyful socializers tend to exude a good self-image since they are always talking about themselves in a positive manner. But if your socializer mate has a poor self-image from unaffectionate, cold, unloving family they doubt their abilities. You may at times assume that they are ignoring you, when in reality they are distracting themselves from a negative situation. It is best for you to simply realize that they have a poor self image and to support them by appreciating their needs and opinions and momentarily forgetting about your own—try using your relator style to better understand them.
VANITY: Everybody is vain and thinks that they are the center of the universe—it‘s a survival instinct. Strong socializers like to talk—mostly about what gives them joy—themselves. This can make us think that they are vein, but they just love to talk about the subject that they know best—themselves. Also, since they don’t listen very well, they don’t hear other people’s stories. They are competitive; if you tell a story, they try to top it, which isn’t very nice and something that they should consciously avoid. They also exaggerate a lot, but that’s what makes them entertaining.
Strong socializers are usually the last ones to leave to go somewhere making them the last to arrive—they do like to make a grand entrance and momentarily be the center of attention. Being late, they can scan the room to quickly identify and avoid their negative connections and to interact with their positive connections. You might think that it is because strong socializers are very vain, but in reality they are just frenzied or excited.
NEGATIVE and POSITIVE MEMORIES: The more powerful positive memories you share with your socializer mate the more you will correctly interpret each other’s motivations, because you will both revert to your joyful memories when you do. The more powerful negative memories you share with your socializer mate the more you will misinterpret each other’s motivations, because the stress it causes will make you react with your strongest style’s emotion and motivations. When those negative situations arise, dispel them immediately (tell your brain to “shut up”) and then bring up a positive memory that triggers joyful love for both of you—this almost always works if you are not distressed.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT: We are attracted to people opposite to us because we admire their strength in the things that we are weak in. Unfortunately this is why too many strong socializer and strong analyzer relationships eventually fail. The strong fearful analyzer wants proceed cautiously and the strong joyful socializer wants to see what’s “out there”—with neither caring about the other’s motivations. This is unlike a strong director and strong relator relationship where the strong relator at least tries to maintain the relationship.
As you can see, a socializer style’s genetic attributes above are totally opposite to the Analyzer Style’s Genetic Attributes:
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Task-Oriented: Tasks are more important than people
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Symbiotic emotion: Fear (whose survival purpose is: to alert us to danger or risk)
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Style’s purpose: to cautiously proceed
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Motivations: 1) To avoid loss or pain 2) To do what I’m obligated to do 3) To distrust new situations
Again, that opposite attraction comes at a cost with the natural irritation of being with someone who doesn’t represent your way of thinking, especially when you are distressed. To deal with this stress, spend little time together when distressed and be mindful of each other’s true motivations. You are together because it brings you joyful love, so appreciate and rely on your differences, which makes you an effective team and don’t sweat the small stuff—and almost everything is the small stuff.
Bottom Line for SOCIALIZER Mindfulness:
If you COEXIST with a strong socializer:
Try to understand why they react the way they do as indicated here, try NOT to think the worse of them and enjoy their joyful life.
If YOU ARE a strong socializer:
Try to understand why you react the way you do as noted above.
Try to tolerate and understand your negative connections; they might just have some wisdom to impart.
Give others a chance to speak in a conversation by NOT quickly jump to a new topic of conversation just because someone didn’t speak the second you were finished talking.
Don’t finish other’s sentences or assume that you know what they are going to say; you probably don’t.
Listen to all of the details before running off to do your tasks.
I hope that this pearl helped you to better understand the motivations of strong socializers and that it reduces the stress in your relationship with them. Part-6 of this series will deal with understanding the motivations of strong Right-brain and strong Left-brain people.
