Do you think and react negatively too much of the time, ruining it for yourself and others? Do you want to repress those negative thoughts and reactions? Would you rather think and react more positively, creating a more joyful, healthier life for yourself and those around you? If so, you might consider the positive aspects of this pearl.
The purpose of this six-part “Healthier Living” series is to identify some of the things that you can do to live a more positive/joyful and physically healthier life. Part-1 “Your More Positive Life”, which may seem out of context, but it’s a fact that people who have a positive outlook on life, live longer, healthier and happier lives. Part-2 “Let there be Light” focuses on healthier sight; Part-3 focuses on “Eating to Live…instead of…”; Part-4 on “A breath of Fresh Air” covers the vital aspect of breathing. Part-5 focuses on “Productive Lower Body Exercises”; and, Part-6 focuses on “Productive Upper Body Exercises”. Throughout this series, the only thing that matters is what works for you. If you try something that works, great, but if it doesn’t, get whatever you can out of it.
Extremes of a Negative/Positive Life:
Understanding what a negative life might entail could help you to better appreciate what a more positive life could be. Since we all have one strong emotion/rational-style that we go to when distressed, lets discuss what a negative life entails from the least negative emotion and style to the most negative. The least negative is joy, which alerts you to a possible connection and your socializer style, whose purpose is to decide whether to embrace a positive connection or avoid a negative connection. Avoidance isn’t exactly positive, but positively interacting with a negative connection could be.
The next on the negativity scale is sorrow, which alerts you to a possible disconnection and your relator style whose purpose is to stay connected with that connection. This becomes negative if your sorrow is too easily triggered, urging you to reconnect when it isn’t necessary, which can be depressing for your and annoying to others. You may find it difficult to make the necessary decisions to rid yourself of those negative memories, making your quest much longer.
Then there’s fear, which alerts you to danger and your analyzer style whose purpose is to cautiously proceed to avoid that danger. Fear becomes negative when it is erroneous, making you critical and faultfinding and want to avoid what others want you to be a part of, which brings them down. Your negative analyzer memories are difficult to eliminate because you find change very difficult to deal with.
The most negative emotion is anger, which alerts you to hindrance/confrontation and your director style whose purpose is to confront that hindrance/confrontation. This becomes negative when your anger is excessive or erroneous, as you become self-serving and unnecessarily quarrelsome. It is also negative when you make remarks that belittle or are critical of others, even when you think that those remarks are amusing. Your negative director memories will take a long time to eliminate because you probably have so many of them.
Of course, the most negative life you can lead is the one with a “black cloud over your head that rains on your joys”, making your life and the lives of those around you miserable. Miserable people, no matter what their strongest emotion and rational style, take much longer to attain a more positive life because of their many, many negative memories that support their self-pity—their negativity also makes it more difficult for you to be positive when you are around them.
Genetic personality and black clouds notwithstanding, let’s look into how you might nurture yourself to live a more positive life.
A Case in Point:
I am a strong negative, angry director with many more negative emotional and rational memories then I care to admit—but I am trying daily and I am attaining a more positive life—at least when I am not distressed. In the past, I would verbalize about three-dozen negative memories per day (I counted them). Over the past year, that number has reduced to less than a half-dozen per day, except when I’m distressed. Today, when I concentrate on it, I can block my negative memories, which those around me appreciate, since I don’t unload my negativity on them. Of course you might negatively say: “That’s just your opinion, but is it a fact?” Yes, it is a fact since those around me are finally beginning to appreciate not hearing my negative exclamations. Unfortunately for me, it takes time for others to block out their memories of their negative experiences with me. This is especially true for strong binary, black or white thinking analyzers, who think that if I make any negative remark that I have not progressed at all. Yes, I have progressed, but only because I purposefully took control of my PFC (Pre-Frontal Cortex).
Emotional Control of your PFC:
To lead a more positive life you need to take control of your PFC. Unfortunately, when our amygdala triggers anger, fear, joy or sorrow, it isn't easy to quell those emotions and regain control of our PFC. But once that emotion is quelled, you can choose to react in one of three ways:
1) You can instantly block related negative memories, thus weakening them and taking control of your PFC.
2) You can rationalize with related negative memories to tell yourself that you had the “right” to have that negative outburst, thus strengthening those negative memories.
3) You can whine by voicing those negative rationalizations—but frankly, nobody likes a whiner.
You will only regain control of your PFC when you don’t rationalize/whine. Ideally, you should react by replacing those negative memories with positive memories, but that is very difficult to do. Fortunately, it doesn’t matter whether that “blocked memory void” is filled with positive memories or not, it only matters that you blocked and weaken that negative memory. Important! If the negative memories that you are trying to block are very strong (you recall them often), your rationalization will be much more difficult to control and will take many “blocking experiences” to weaken them. Thus, you must become aware of when you are rationalizing and try to stop it.
Rational Control of your PFC:
It is much easier to get control your PFC when it is connected to rational memories than when it is connected to emotional memories. We all have both positive and negative rational memories from past experiences—the positive rational memories make life more wonderful and the negative rational memories make life more miserable. Thus, our goal is to block those negative rational memories as soon as the PFC recognizes them, possibly allowing for more positive memories to emerge.
The effect of your “Self-Image”:
If you have a good self-image, you tend to be more positive than if you have a poor self-image, which makes you doubt yourself, making your life more negative. Below is a simple yet accurate questionnaire to evaluate your self-image—the more, “TRUE” answers you check off the better is your self-image.
| Check off your beliefs about yourself to determine your Self Image: | TRUE | FALSE |
| I truly like myself as an individual who has a lot to offer.................................... | [ ] | [ ] |
| I am capable of expressing my love to those close to me................................. | [ ] | [ ] |
| I am loved by others, just for being myself........................................................ | [ ] | [ ] |
| I feel that I have a number of good qualities—nobody’s perfect........................ | [ ] | [ ] |
| I am responsible for and appreciate my successes........................................... | [ ] | [ ] |
| I am responsible for and try to do something about my failures........................ | [ ] | [ ] |
| I am a person who does what I say I will do, even if it is to my detriment......... | [ ] | [ ] |
If you believe that ALL of the above are TRUE, you have a great self-image and can do whatever you set out to do. If you have two or more are FALSE responses, you should reevaluate your life and see how you might reverse them to TRUE. If four or more are FALSE you have a poor self image and may need professional help or you can try to lead a more positive, as noted below, by getting rid of your negative thoughts about yourself. The “Blame Game”: One way to have a better self-image is to take responsibility for what you do as noted in the last three self-image questions above. Blaming others for your inadequacies is just another form of rationalization because you can’t accept the fact that you might not be right—you are responsible for your life, nobody else. It is your negative emotional and rational memories that hold you back, nobody else’s, even when you think their negative opinions of you might have validity.
Labeling Others negates a more positive life:
Labeling is positive when the label is positive and negative when the label is negative. Labeling others is unfortunately part of your nurturing that makes you feel more secure. This is especially true if you were nurtured by bigots [Def: One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ]. It is also difficult to feel secure with others whose appearance, beliefs, customs, etc., are very different from yours. These insecurities tend to “put others in their place”, below you, creating a negative life that stifles the wonderful experiences that you can share with them. The best way to rid yourself of these fears is to spend time with others and get to know them better. The quickest way to get over your insecurities of others is for them to be family members or close friends. Otherwise, try to be more open-minded and accepting of others and discover the joys of a more positive life that others can help you attain.
Negative Memories that IRK us:
We can be more positive about most aspects of our lives, but some things that family and friends’ say and do really irk us, creating negative memories and inappropriate reactions. There are things that others do that irk you and there are things that you do that irk them. But it doesn’t matter WHAT irks you or them or even why, it only matters that it triggers a negative memory followed by a plethora of negative rationalizations that flood your PFC, strengthening that negative memory of what irks you.
NOTE! When irked by an emotional memory you lose control of your PFC. But, if you tell yourself to “shut up” every time you have it, you will dispel, weaken and eventually block that memory. When irked by a strong rational memory you can get back control your PFC by saying to yourself, “that’s negative” (or frankly, just say anything), which will instantly disconnect that memory from your PFC, weakening it When that rational memory is very strong it will take many more blocking incidences before it is automatically blocked. Also, don’t be spiteful about something that someone did to you in the past—you can’t go back in a time machine and do anything about it. And if you don’t repress your spiteful negative memories, you will never truly have a positive relationship with that person; you will continue to be unhappy with them every time that strong negative memory emerges.
Be Positive by AGREEING, Not Arguing and Not “Topping” Others:
Your memories seem factual to you, but most of them are just opinions [Def: A confident belief/conclusion not totally supported by factual knowledge]. So, why get hung up on defending a possibly faulty opinion when you can listen and learn and be more factual. The fact is; when you defend your opinion it only conflicts with other’s opinions and you learn nothing new. So, how do you get around that and have more meaningful discussions?
Always Agree: Simply agree with someone with a simple “you’re right” or “yes” or whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t matter if you actually agree or disagree with their opinions; what matters is that you both stop the mindless rationalization that turns a meaningful discussion into an argument. By not arguing (rationalizing/whining) you allow yourself to open your mind to learn new facts and possibly identify the falsities in your own opinions. The objective is to give others the credibility and respect due them instead of demeaning them—everybody has something to offer.
Don’t “Top” others: When listening to the experiences (stories) of others, it triggers our memories about that subject. And if our experience seemed a better story than theirs, we want to tell it—strong socializers are highly motivated to do this. But, by telling our story we demean the other person’s story and create a negative situation─and more negative life. Instead, tell your self to “shut up and listen” and try to enjoy their story instead of trying to top it; and let’s face it, you probably have already told your story too many times and are bored telling it.
Negative Memories that You Assume are Clever:
Strong directors and R-brain people like to make sarcastic remarks that they think are funny or clever—unfortunately, they are usually offensive. Also, when making sarcastic remarks about someone we abhor, it just brings up negative memories that we probably want to forget. To discard your negative “clever” memories do the following: after thinking a clever thought, consider whom it might offend and then tell yourself, “that’s negative” or whatever to disconnect that negative memory from your PFC, weaken it and eventually, automatically blocking it in the future.
A Positive Way to Teach:
We all “think” about things using our own memories and assume that others are thinking with similar memories, which is true to a small degree. After teaching somebody something, to test their retention, ask them to tell you what you said. Since they are using different memories from yours, their explanation will not be the same as yours, but they should have the gist of it. Next, praise them instead of correcting them for not using your wording. For better retention when teaching, we need to let them think with their memories and praise them for understanding. This will trigger their joy, instantly placing that learning experience into long-term memory since. For physical survival, emotional experiences are instantly stored as permanent memory while rational experiences take much, much longer─this is true for the positive joy emotion, but not for the negative anger and fear emotions. When you express anger when they don’t seem to learn, or when you instill fear in them if they can’t learn, creates a negative experience for that instantly negates whatever you tried to teach them. When they didn’t seem to learn, you should assume that they have, somewhat, and move on; they will eventually get it.
You can also “teach” others to rid themselves of irreconcilable, negative memories. When an irreconcilable topic is brought up by others, you must help them block it from their mind. Joyfully warn them that you will no longer discuss it and if they bring it up again that you will just walk away. This immediately disconnects that memory from their PFC, weakening it and every time you walk away it weakens it even more. This may not work with left-brain people and their black & white thinking, but at least you won’t have to deal with it.
Your More Positive Life Won’t be Accepted at First:
Others who have been conditioned by your negativity won’t see you as being more positive, because they are dwelling on their negative memories about you, especially if you have a strong analyzer mate. Their negative reactions will frustrate you, since they negate your progress. But let’s face it, your years (decades?) of negativity is expected by them, even when it isn’t expressed very much. You should not let that impede your progress, since they will need time to catch up and block their negative memories about you. Eventually, make them aware of this if you want them to lead a more positive life, too. You are probably responsible for their past negative memories; so turn it around and become responsible for their future positive memories. And never forget, you are on a positive path towards a more positive and joyful life, even if they can’t catch up with you—such is life.
Bottom Line for a more Positive life:
You can lead a more positive life by immediately dispelling your persistent, negative memories triggered by family/friends/whomever. When a negative memory enters your PFC, dispel it—tell yourself “shut up” or “forget it” etc.; then think of the positive aspects of that experience if there were any. If nothing comes to mind, that’s OK; at least you will have blocked instead of strengthened that negative memory—don’t forget all of this takes time.
Two very important words: “Thank You!” Every time someone does something for you, no matter how small or great, immediately say “thank you”, which will eventually become your automatic response to others helping you.
Two more very important words: “You’re Welcome!” Every time somebody says thank you to you, tell them “you’re welcome”. Don’t say “no problem” or whatever, which is negative—get use to saying “you’re welcome” and it too will eventually become your automatic response to “Thank You”.
A Positive Life doesn’t abandon your image! If you think that you might be abandoning “your image” by leading a more positive life—not so! The only thing you are abandoning is the negativity that you and those around are perfectly happy to not experience any more—all negativity sucks, which you will realize once you become a more positive person.
MOST IMPORTANT! If anybody suggests anything; instantly and enthusiastically agree with him or her. This instantly blocks your negative memories about that experience, creating a positive experiential memory about it every time you agree with them, no matter what the subject. The more you instantly agree, the more you negate the negative memories that you had attached to that situation.
This is absolutely the most important thing you can do to become a more positive person.
I hope that this pearl helps you to lead a more positive, healthier life. There is nothing better than a positive life—so make it happen and enjoy it; it isn’t easy and takes time, but it’s well worth it!
The rest of this pearl series will deal with the physical aspects of a healthier life starting with “Let There Be Light”.